Friday, April 2, 2010

I'm Disappointed in Maurice Cheeks

You know... Call me unfair, but when I hear a man is named Maurice "Mo" Cheeks, I expect him to have some cheeks on him. So when I see this picture:,%20John/Award%20winners/080416_Coach_Maurice-Cheeks.widec.jpg

I get a little mad. Mr. Cheeks, you have no right to look so upset. I'm the person seeing a guy with a misleading name. I mean, SERIOUSLY, that's your name? That's the kind of name I would make up when ordering a pizza (And only a pizza). I mean, can't you work on your image a little?

I guess that's a little better. Your cheeks do kind of look a little big, but I dunno. I'm just not feeling it. Show me some TRAIL BLAZING CHEEKS! Some cheeks that I've never seen before! Some cheeks that light up the sky in all their cheeky glory!

YOU'RE NOT EVEN TRYING NOW! No wonder you got fired... all those time. But man, you sure can grow a bitchin' moustache. Oh wait... I just realized. Maybe I'm thinking of the wrong cheeks.
Ohhhh shiiiiiiit!

Thursday, April 1, 2010

Have you guys heard of this "March Madness" thing?

If you haven't, well, too bad. Because it's April now and anyone who still has "March Madness" is just lagging behind. Now it's April Madness, which is less mad because it only lasts a few days and a lot of people aren't considered mad enough to participate. I did my schooling up north and in at a Liberal Arts College and we didn't have a basketball team. Or a football team. I think we had a Men's volleyball team, though. They won a game. Anyway, so when people were talking about "March Madness" I always assumed they meant what my Uncle Leo suffered from until that fateful March where he screamed at a horse "I have the March Madness!!" until he died from exposure. Apparently, March Madness also has something to do with Basketball. But mostly gambling.

Now, In order to understand this whole NCAA Championship, I looked at the Wikipedia entry (which is also how I learned of the term "NCAA Championship"). And MAN. It looks complex. And boring. There's something to do with seeds and uh... numbers. All for a bunch of Idiot College students. College students are jerks! I should know. I was one. And let me tell you, I didn't do ANYTHING well in college. Certainly not play basketball. I don't know, maybe I'll ask someone to explain it to me before it ends on the Fifth. Or I'll just wait for next year. Maybe I'll even make one of those brackets everyone keeps making! I sure do love filling in blank spaces with names of colleges.

OH! And here's a little known fact, the term "March Madness" was actually coined by H.P. Lovecraft, author of "Herbert West - Reanimator" and originator of the Cthulhu Mythos, and is thought of as his last contribution to the world of Basketball. So uh... my pick for who wins? Uhhh... Duke probably. They have the shortest name so the players are probably weighed down the least by their uniforms.
AHHHHH!!! I have The March Madness!!!

Monday, March 29, 2010

The Glorious One Teaches Me a Lesson Old As Time

We've all heard it before: "It's not whether you win or lose, it's how you play the game." Classic bullshit line, right? WRONG. Not as long as The Glorious One is around. Well, maybe that's not entirely true. When most people tell you that are just trying to cheer you up as awful bull's shit drips slowly from their mouth and onto your feet. But when the Glorious One tells you that: Cold as STONE sage style advice. The difference between the Glorious One and everyone else? EVERYTHING. He is living that advice. No one loses harder than the Nets (SPORTS FACT), but when the Glorious One struts onto the court, not only are the Nets winning, they are tearing it up. And you're winning too, because you're on the Nets. Everyone is winning and On the Nets when the Glorious One struts. Oh, and when he struts, he STRUTS. At first, I laughed at him, all dolled up like some kind of two-bit, family friendly rapper, his arms swaying behind him like a fool. But I was the one who was the fool. That's just how the Glorious One gets you. He lowers your defenses. Then before you know it, you're having your picture taken with him. He IS superhuman. Slappin' high-fives like nobody else! Propelling T-Shirts and Burritos upward with incredible force! Using his TELEPATHY to identify people who have won Steak Dinners and other assorted promotions. Although, I don't think it was telepathy exactly, he clearly exhibits some kind of mental power. Also kids love him! At one point, and I am not exaggerating, he walked off court and a horde of children surrounded him and hugged him. Loved him. It was incredible. I have never seen kids so crazy about ANYONE! They surrounded him! And kids ONLY hug important people. So don't worry, New Jersey Nets, you may be losing, but at least The Glorious One is playing the game.
An Artist's Rendering of The Glorious One

Tuesday, March 23, 2010

Thursday, March 18, 2010

The Izod Center Did Not Smell

I really thought it would, too. In retrospect, I suppose I should have known better that the professional court might not smell like my middle school gym. Although it did seem to have a about the same amount of young Jewish Boys as the ol' gym. Looking back, I feel like the majority of the people around me were disappointed boys. Disappointed, obviously, because their home team was losing. The Team they got all classed up to see, their Father's spending all that money so they could watch the Nets fumble around up close. The father-son quality time spoiling in the silence of the car ride home. Or being that the Nets have only won like eight or so games, they all got what they expected and learned an important lesson about... I dunno, athletic teams not being very good even when you pay to see the games.
So, yeah, they lost by 30 points or something. Which is like the equivalent of losing like by, I dunno, three points in soccer. In case off the cuff soccer/basketball comparisons help you out, you know?
Easily the best part of the game was the half-time show, where a bunch of kids played each other. Those kids were FIERCE. As the clock ran out they were all smashing into each other. A bunch of 'em even scored points. They were all white, so it was like a bunch of tiny Larry Bird's were running around. Because, as we all know, he's the only white player.
I was really hoping to have made a Best Friend at the game. But to be honest, no one was really "bringing it" and there was very little "hustle" so I really wasn't feeling any of the players. HOWEVER, I have a lot to say about the Glorious 1 (One). But that man deserves a post of his own.
The majority of Tuesday's crowd.

Tuesday, March 16, 2010

I'm going to a Basketball game!
Other people also at basketball games.

That's right! I'm going to see my first NBA basketball game! Not only that, this is really the first time I'm going to sit and pay to watch people play basketball in front of me. Normally, I see it on the television or as I drive past a basketball court. Or drive past a television that has a basketball game on it. What do I expect?
  • Sweaty Men - Now, I've seen a game now and then on the TV and someone is ALWAYS sweating. I expect to see even MORE sweat in person. Maybe even puddles of it.
  • Expensive Beer
  • The Nets to Lose - If my brother has prepared me for anything. It's that the Nets aren't very good at basketball. Maybe they should all try playing Baseball like Michael Jordan. Basketball just might not be their sport.
  • To Be Excited then eventually Bored - This isn't a big game. I imagine it's like picking The Proposal as your first movie to watch. Except I won't get to see Ryan Reynolds.
  • To Make a New Friend - Naturally, I will pick the coolest looking player and immediately associate him with a George Clooney (read: charming) type fellow
I also can't wait to smell the Izod Center. I imagine it will be like a gym... but I bet it will stink a lot more. I am betting it is a foul smelling place.

Tuesday, March 9, 2010